December 15th
Two years ago to this day was the biggest moment of my life. Here is the difficult story of a childhood dream broken.
Anybody who knew me in high school knew it was my dream to go to Duke. It wasn’t just another typical dream school that I chose sophomore year; I had dreamed of going to Duke since 7th grade.
It all started with a basketball jersey. I asked for a Duke jersey for Christmas in 7th grade, not really because I was a fan of the team but more because the sleek black and blue were just too cool for me to pass up. With the jersey came an interest in the team, and the next thing I knew I was watching Austin Rivers hit a game-winner against UNC; I was in love.
It didn’t take long to realize that getting recruited to play basketball at Duke was out of reach but I thought I was smart enough to at least have a shot to getting into the school. It was my dream throughout high school and I did everything I could to give it my best shot.
The first two years of high school were pretty simple. I made sure to get all A’s, was a varsity runner, and worked towards becoming an Eagle Scout. I went to the Duke v UVA basketball game, and watched my favorite Duke team win an incredible game.
Junior year things really ramped up. I was going to the local governor’s school, participated in an online NASA course, took SAT’s and ACT’s, volunteered for Habitat for Humanity, to name a few things. I made sure my plate was full just to beef up my application as much as possible. I’m not telling you these things to brag. Looking back, I was doing all of these things for the wrong reason.
Senior year was a hurricane. I took as many AP classes as possible to try and help my application. I was captain of the XC team and college applications started early. The same week the Duke application was due, I also had an important English project due and cross country conferences. Something had to give, and I ran my worst race ever. Once again, I reminded myself that it was okay, getting into Duke would be worth it.
I had an application interview with a local alumnus at Panera. It was nerve-racking and I knew after that it could’ve gone better. I think I was probably being too hard on myself.
Soon I was just counting down the days. Early decision admission for Duke would be released on Thursday, December 15th. It went from counting down the years to counting the months, to counting weeks, to counting the days until the biggest day of my life. And one day it was here. I was staring what I saw as my life’s defining moment right in the face.
It sounds cliche, but I remember it just like it was yesterday. I woke up and my heart was immediately pounding. I went to school and did not pay any attention to what my teachers had to say. Most of my friends knew that it was a big day for me. I did what I could to distract myself, but it wasn’t much use. I was just counting the hours and minutes until 7 p.m. Leaving the Governor’s School at 11 a.m., Tony, Tyler and AJ wished me luck. They were super supportive and that was awesome to feel. The rest of the day was pretty quiet. I was pretty off to be quite honest. Someone in my marketing class told everyone that today I heard back, and I think I was pretty embarrassed. But everyone wished me luck, and I was off to track practice. It was cloudy and overcast and I just went through the motions. I wanted track to be over quickly and for 7 p.m. to be here. Eventually, practice ended, I drove Carson home, and I crashed on my couch. I didn’t know what to do from 5–7, so naturally, I napped. There was no use trying to be productive, my mind was going a million miles per hour.
I woke up at 6:50. My heart thumping, I opened my laptop.
I ran up to my room and put on the same black Nike jersey that I had gotten in 7th grade for good luck. Sitting in the kitchen with my family in the living room, I watched the minutes tick away.
At 6:59, I logged into the portal. My whole body was trembling, and before I had even logged in and seen the letter, I was bawling.
With five years of anticipation, my letter popped up on the screen. I read the first few sentences and stopped. Crying and yelling, I ran up to my room. I threw off my jersey and tore down the National Championship poster on my wall. My parents did their best to comfort me. All I could think was that I was a failure.
I wasn’t straight up rejected on December 15th. I was deferred to the main pool that would be notified in March. It didn’t make a difference to me, I knew the stats and I knew my chances were way slimmer the next time around. To me, it was a no.
My dad offered to go on a walk. I went outside, leaned on a tree on my front yard, and felt nothing. We walked in complete silence and that’s probably what I needed. My dad had been incredibly supportive through everything as I pursued Duke and I’m still thankful of that. I got home and went straight to bed.
I didn’t want to go to school the next day. I thought about skipping, but that wasn’t an option with my mom. So I went in and faced everyone who knew I didn’t get in. People were supportive but I didn’t really care. I was embarrassed. When people asked, I just quietly shook my head no.
With time, I was able to become at peace with what happened. I was accepted to other great schools and realized I would be happy somewhere else.
Two years later and today still stings a little bit. I have a printed-out version of my letter for a little bit of motivation, but I don’t look at it very often.
A few weeks ago, I told my bible study about my dream of going to Duke. We were all sharing something that we struggled with in terms of idolization, and mine was Duke. It wasn’t just a school to me back then, it was everything. My friend Stan turned to me and asked, “How do you feel about it now? Are you happy here at Tech?”
I paused.
I am happy as a hokie. I’m not going to tell you it’s perfect, but I have a group of amazing friends that I’d give the world for. I’m studying electrical engineering in a great program, with lots of opportunities to pursue other interests. I’m happy to be at Virginia Tech.
There are days I wonder what life would be like had I gotten in.
I don’t regret pursuing that dream, but looking back it had become too big. I found my life purpose and defined myself through a dream of going to a school, not through my present experiences and relationships. I’m proud that I went after it. I gave it everything I had and I know I was close. I learned a lot along the way, and if my kid asks for a Duke basketball jersey for Christmas one day, I’m going to have a hard time not giving to them.
