“I just don’t feel myself”

For a long time, I’ve vowed to myself that I’d read more. Not textbooks or tweets, but real, paper books. I have a stack of books on my bedside table, which have gone untouched for months. Getting ready for a week-long beach vacation, I figured it was time to finally force myself to read. I grabbed a book, and after a week and actually finishing it, I wanted to share my thoughts.

A few weeks ago, my friend Kelsey told me she couldn’t put down a book she was reading. She gave me a quick summary, and immediately I knew that she was going to have to pass the book along to me after she finished it.

What Made Maddy Run is the heartbreaking true story of Madison Holleran, a college athlete who tragically committed suicide in 2014. Kate Fagan, who you may recognize from ESPN’s Around the Horn, does an incredible job writing this, going between the story of Maddy, conversations with mental health experts, and personal anecdotes, in order to help the reader understand, to some extent, what Maddy was going through. I read this book in about two days, and I don’t say that because it was short, but because I wanted to read this hour after hour until it was done. By the end of the book, Maddy feels like someone you know, and you can’t help but feel like this world lost someone extremely special.

The following will delve into the book just a little, but you may want to stop here if you don’t want anything spoiled!

For anyone who’s read some of my other posts, you might know that mental health is something very near and dear to me. I think conversations about it, although hard, are needed, and I guess I find writing about it the easiest. Upon seeing what this book was about, I was interested in knowing her story.

I think what made the book really stick for me was just how real Madison felt. Although obviously never having met, she felt like she easily could’ve been another girl on my high school track team. Easily could’ve been a girl I had passed in the hallways, easily could’ve taken to a school dance and had a crush on. I saw parts of myself in her, parts of friends from home. She felt so real.

She was an incredible athlete in soccer and track, a great student, and an amazing friend (who could also be reserved at times.) She was talented enough to run track at Penn, and the transition to college is where her struggle (and the book) focuses.

The one thing that really sticks out to me is when she tried to describe how she was feeling to friends and family, it usually came out as “I just don’t feel like myself.” She had a hard time putting words to what she was experiencing. What I find haunting is that’s what I said during last fall when my mental health hit its lowest point. That’s what I told my therapist. That’s what I told my mom, a friend or two. I was doing all the things I used to do but… I didn’t laugh as much. I couldn’t focus. All my friends were over but I didn’t enjoy it. I never had energy.

This spring, I had an appointment with my therapist. Before going in, I had to take a benchmark exam to see where my mental health stood. Overall, things were going really well; I was happy and mainly just concerned about classes and my major. Once I finished, I went into my therapist’s office for a regular appointment.

Towards the end, she brought up the results. She said things looked really good; almost everything had improved. I smiled. Then she pulled up the results from when I first came in, September. She scanned the graphs, looked at me, saying, “Yeah, things look a lot better. Your results were hovering around our benchmark for depression.”

I paused, looking down at my shoes.

I really never thought it was going to be me.

Finishing the book, I paused. I was genuinely sad. We had failed Madison. And the harsh reality is that her story isn’t the only one.

What Made Maddy Run, in my opinion, is a poignant book that I think everybody should take the chance to read. It brings light to an important subject, triggers conversation, and pulls introspection. My parents asked about the book I was reading, and to have some conversation with both of them was extremely healthy, bringing into it some of my experiences in college. Kelsey and I also chatted about the book and our thoughts, an especially powerful conversation when she’ll be experiencing her own transition to college in the coming months. This book starts the conversation, one that I hope begins to be more and more commonplace.