What changed?

The summer after my freshman year, I went to a scout camp up in Ontario, Canada. It was a big deal that the troop did only once a decade, so a lot of the father in the troop came. One of the days of the week I was running around the campsite when one of the dads of the troop stopped me.

Is something wrong with you? You never stop smiling.

Awkward high school had no answer, and I was somewhat embarrassed in the moment. But I never forgot that question.

I was the goofy friend as a kid. I was quiet and nerdy, but once I got to know you, I like to think a fun side of me really came out. I knew how to avoid getting in trouble, and push some boundaries in the name of good fun and games. I could lighten any mood, well almost any mood, and although I was on top of all my classes and took my extracurricular seriously, I was usually enjoyable to be around.

Being called out for smiling wasn’t a one time thing. Obviously I wasn’t always smiling, but overall I don’t think you found me in a bad mood very often. And I know what you’re probably thinking…

This sounds like most kids. It’s easy to always be so happy when you don’t have to worry about adulting.

But I don’t think it’s that simple. It certainly has to do with my worries about the future and what major I want to pursue and where I’m going to work next summer. But I don’t think it’s only about work or stress or maturing. Honestly I was dealing with a lot of stress in high school, but my happiness didn’t mind.

Nowadays I have my moments. The nights when I just can’t stop laughing. Afternoons with music turned up, jamming out with friends. Or playing flag football with last year’s hallmates. But in general, I don’t always feel like the kid at heart. I don’t feel like myself.

The kid is still there. That little weirdo that won’t stop smiling. But he’s living in a shell that just worries a little too much. A suit of armor that is no longer shiny and has taken a beating. A young man that tends to lose things that are just a bit too important, like his school I.D. and his self-identity.

I’m working on bringing the kid back. The little rebel. I hope one day, as a grown man, someone will look at me and say

Jim, is something wrong with you? You never stop smiling.