When Loneliness Strikes

It’s 8:16 pm on July 21st of this year. I’m sitting in my parked car in the middle of a random shopping center parking lot in Charlottesville. It’s pouring down rain, and tears are streaming down my face.

“black automotive door with water droplets” by Craig Whitehead on Unsplash

I wish I could say this was a one-time thing. Unfortunately, this kind of break down happened nearly every other week this past summer. I was weak and overwhelmed, and I knew it.

Let me take you back before the summer even started. I had just finished up my first year of college and had an amazing year. I made a lot of great friends and was content with how things had gone academically. Overall, I felt I was going into summer on a high note and expecting for it to continue.

My plan for the summer was to spend most of my time in Charlottesville, working for a friend’s tech education startup. I was extremely excited about the opportunity, and it really seemed like a healthy situation. I would only be an hour and a half drive from my home, and the work schedule was flexible. I knew my “boss” well, and there were plenty of UVA students around to meet and make new friends. I was glad to not spend all of my time at home while still being able to go home for weekends if I wanted.

I got down to Charlottesville on May 20. Immediately I was nervous and realized my initial living plan wasn’t going to work well. I had contacted an old friend about living in his place for the summer, and although it would be cheap, I would also be alone. This sounded like a good idea to me before getting there but after two nights, I realized I wasn’t ready for living on my own completely. My second night in Charlottesville, I broke down. I hadn’t reached a point like that in a long time. I was alone, scared, and very overwhelmed.

The next day, I asked my friend and ”boss”, Andy, if I could move in with him. He was really understanding of the situation and the next thing I knew I was happily living on the floor of an apartment with a few other guys. It really seemed like things would be getting better. I was slowly getting to know other kids in the startup community HackCville, and found the new living situation to be a lot healthier.

Hanging out at a rock climbing gym with some new friends, Matt and Tyler

I was getting closer with some of my roommates, but still wasn’t able to confide in anyone and was spending a lot of time on my own. That’s when the breakdowns started to hit. The calls to my mom in random parking lots. Or from an empty conference room in the middle of the day, or to my friend Kelsey from home. I desperately texted friends from school, just looking for conversation. I was spending around one hour a day socializing in person with people in Charlottesville, and spending the rest of the day overthinking and suffering from loneliness. I passed time by aimlessly walking around the UVA athletic complex or going on meaningless errands. Some days were better than others. I went home for more than just the weekends, finding comfort with my family. The loneliness of Charlottesville was way too much for me.

I hit a point where I was so lonely, I turned to my faith for help. Having nobody else to listen to me, my last resort was to pray to God to listen. I’m not a strong Catholic by any means, but sitting in on a daily mass was an hour escape. Looking back, I’m glad I turned to God, but it really puts into perspective how desperate I was.

Two of the guys in Charlottesville I had become close with left for the remainder of the summer. That really hurt. Just as I had felt comfortable hanging out with them, they were gone.

Eventually, I decided it would be best to spend the next couple weeks almost completely at home. I couldn’t thank my coworkers more for understanding. I struggled to swallow everything that was going on. I was only able to take one day at a time for a while. I made the right decision to spend time at home, but obviously, that couldn’t fix everything. After about two weeks, I tried to return to Charlottesville to finish out my internship. After a couple one or two-day stays, I knew that it wasn’t where I needed to be, and spent the remaining week or two at home.

Things got a little better, and I was able to get my mind off of things with a family trip to Colorado. I spent time with friends from home and reached out to my close friends from school. In mid-August, I returned to Virginia Tech and was able to get back on my feet surrounded by a solid friend group and with schoolwork to focus on.

My family and I out in the Garden of the Gods during our Colorado trip

This summer was by far the most difficult period of time in my life. I still feel the effects to this day. I’ve had a couple months to reflect on what happened, and here are a few main points and lessons I’ve taken away.

1. Loneliness is a real problem. Maybe that’s stating the obvious, but it doesn’t always look as obvious as it does in the movies when a kid is sitting by himself/herself in the cafeteria. It’s not as simple as just not being able to make friends or not putting in the effort to meet new people. It broke me down to my weakest self, and I really don’t think anybody could tell. I’ve always seen myself as pretty independent and introverted, so I didn’t think spending a lot of time on my own should be as hard as it was, and I was embarrassed to talk to anybody about it.
2. Rely on your support system. No matter how small or large your support system is, when you are at your weakest point, find them. For me, it started with my family. My mom, dad, and brother Jason became my rock this summer. And to my friends that I was able to reach out to this summer, I am forever thankful. Cody, Kelsey, Noah, Elise, Taylor, Jesse, Rammer, Kara, Emma, Meaghan, Matt, and Colin (to name a few); I love you guys.
3. Never underestimate the power of these four words: “Can I call you?” I found out quickly that texting wasn’t enough. That when you’re away from your support system and alone, you need the voice. I was never one to call my friends out of the blue before this summer, but there were times I needed it, and they answered.
4. Some things are just out of your control. I expected the situation in Charlottesville to be perfect, and it ended up not working out. It’s really not anybody’s fault. The best advice I would give is to find out how to make the best of the situation, given what you can control. For me, it was spending more time at home. That’s not always a solution based on the situation, but finding small solutions can make a big difference.
5. Find ways to escape. My escapes were making plans with friends or listening to music. Watching baseball with my mom or volunteering to run errands. Finding a place to watch the sunset. Distracting your mind is one of the best ways of combatting loneliness and feeling overwhelmed.
6. When you get out of the hole, it’s not over. When I got back to school, I no longer was lonely. But I didn’t feel like myself for months. Some part of me was stuck in this summer, traumatized by what happened. My appetite was bad most days, and I couldn’t find the motivation or focus to sit down and work. Finally, I ended up going to a therapist. It was nerve-racking and not something I ever wanted to do, but talking things out with her was definitely a big step in the right direction.

This is my story of loneliness, and how it broke me down. To anyone else experiencing loneliness, I hope my short journey can help you. I am in a much better place now and as hard as this summer was, I learned a lot about myself. I learned the importance of self-care and many of my relationships became stronger.

If you feel like someone is reaching out to you for help because they feel alone, I can’t express how much it means to put in that effort and help. I don’t know where I would be if my friends and family hadn’t picked up the phone this summer.